Because of the litigious world we now find ourselves in, it is with a heavy heart that Function f(x) is instituting the Terms of Service enumerated below. We do not do this of our own free will, but the overlords that run social media advertising make us do it. Alas, we must conform. :/ So here goes the obligatory legal bloviating:
OFFICIAL AND TOTALLY SERIOUS TERMS OF SERVICE
The information provided on the Site is not intended for distribution to or use by any person or entity in any jurisdiction or country where such distribution or use would be contrary to law or regulation or which would subject us to any registration requirement within such jurisdiction or country.
Accordingly, those persons who choose to access the Site from other locations do so on their own initiative and are solely responsible for compliance with local laws, if and to the extent local laws are applicable.
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY RIGHTS (This is SERIOUS!!!)
Unless otherwise indicated, the Site is our proprietary property and all source code, databases, functionality, software, website designs, audio, video, text, photographs, and graphics on the Site (collectively, the “Content”) and the trademarks, service marks, and logos contained therein (the “Marks”) are owned or controlled by us or licensed to us, and are protected by copyright and trademark laws and various other intellectual property rights and unfair competition laws of the United States, foreign jurisdictions, and international conventions.
Provided that you are eligible to use the Site, you are granted a limited license to access and use the Site and to download or print a copy of any portion of the Content to which you have properly gained access solely for your personal, non-commercial use. We reserve all rights not expressly granted to you in and to the Site, the Content and the Marks.
You may be required to register with the Site. You agree to keep your password confidential and will be responsible for all use of your account and password. We reserve the right to remove, reclaim, or change a username you select if we determine, in our sole discretion, that such username is inappropriate, obscene, or otherwise objectionable.
We make every effort to display as accurately as possible the colors, features, specifications, and details of the products available on the Site. However, we do not guarantee that the colors, features, specifications, and details of the products will be accurate, complete, reliable, current, or free of other errors, and your electronic display may not accurately reflect the actual colors and details of the products.
All products are subject to availability, and we cannot guarantee that items will be in stock. We reserve the right to discontinue any products at any time for any reason. Prices for all products are subject to change.
THIRD-PARTY WEBSITES AND CONTENT
The Site may contain (or you may be sent via the Site) links to other websites (“Third-Party Websites”) as well as articles, photographs, text, graphics, pictures, designs, music, sound, video, information, applications, software, and other content or items belonging to or originating from third parties (“Third-Party Content”).
Such Third-Party Websites and Third-Party Content are not investigated, monitored, or checked for accuracy, appropriateness, or completeness by us, and we are not responsible for any Third Party Websites accessed through the Site or any Third-Party Content posted on, available through, or installed from the Site, including the content, accuracy, offensiveness, opinions, reliability, privacy practices, or other policies of or contained in the Third-Party Websites or the Third-Party Content.
You should review the applicable terms and policies, including privacy and data gathering practices, of any website to which you navigate from the Site or relating to any applications you use or install from the Site. Any purchases you make through Third-Party Websites will be through other websites and from other companies, and we take no responsibility whatsoever in relation to such purchases which are exclusively between you and the applicable third party.
You agree and acknowledge that we do not endorse the products or services offered on Third-Party Websites and you shall hold us harmless from any harm caused by your purchase of such products or services. Additionally, you shall hold us harmless from any losses sustained by you or harm caused to you relating to or resulting in any way from any Third-Party Content or any contact with Third-Party Websites.
We reserve the right, but not the obligation, to:
(3) in our sole discretion and without limitation, refuse, restrict access to, limit the availability of, or disable (to the extent technologically feasible) any of your Contributions or any portion thereof;
(4) in our sole discretion and without limitation, notice, or liability, to remove from the Site or otherwise disable all files and content that are excessive in size or are in any way burdensome to our systems;
(5) otherwise manage the Site in a manner designed to protect our rights and property and to facilitate the proper functioning of the Site.
We care about data privacy and security. We will not ever share any personal information of any site user, except as required by US law. Please be advised the Site is hosted in the United States.
If you access the Site from the European Union, Asia, or any other region of the world with laws or other requirements governing personal data collection, use, or disclosure that differ from applicable laws in the United States, then through your continued use of the Site, you are transferring your data to the United States, and you expressly consent to have your data transferred to and processed in the United States.
DIGITAL MILLENNIUM COPYRIGHT ACT (DMCA) NOTICE AND POLICY
The DMCA is complete nonsense and we will not actively do anything to help enforce it, unless compelled by law.
This part is especially embarrassing, but here it is. It’s done in all-caps because that’s how old people think something is important.
THE SITE IS PROVIDED ON AN AS-IS AND AS-AVAILABLE BASIS. YOU AGREE THAT YOUR USE OF THE SITE SERVICES WILL BE AT YOUR SOLE RISK. TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW, WE DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, IN CONNECTION WITH THE SITE AND YOUR USE THEREOF, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT. WE MAKE NO WARRANTIES OR REPRESENTATIONS ABOUT THE ACCURACY OR COMPLETENESS OF THE SITE’S CONTENT OR THE CONTENT OF ANY WEBSITES LINKED TO THIS SITE AND WE WILL ASSUME NO LIABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY (1) ERRORS, MISTAKES, OR INACCURACIES OF CONTENT AND MATERIALS, (2) PERSONAL INJURY OR PROPERTY DAMAGE, OF ANY NATURE WHATSOEVER, RESULTING FROM YOUR ACCESS TO AND USE OF THE SITE, (3) ANY UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO OR USE OF OUR SECURE SERVERS AND/OR ANY AND ALL PERSONAL INFORMATION AND/OR FINANCIAL INFORMATION STORED THEREIN, (4) ANY INTERRUPTION OR CESSATION OF TRANSMISSION TO OR FROM THE SITE, (5) ANY BUGS, VIRUSES, TROJAN HORSES, OR THE LIKE WHICH MAY BE TRANSMITTED TO OR THROUGH THE SITE BY ANY THIRD PARTY, AND/OR (6) ANY ERRORS OR OMISSIONS IN ANY CONTENT AND MATERIALS OR FOR ANY LOSS OR DAMAGE OF ANY KIND INCURRED AS A RESULT OF THE USE OF ANY CONTENT POSTED, TRANSMITTED, OR OTHERWISE MADE AVAILABLE VIA THE SITE. WE DO NOT WARRANT, ENDORSE, GUARANTEE, OR ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY PRODUCT OR SERVICE ADVERTISED OR OFFERED BY A THIRD PARTY THROUGH THE SITE, ANY HYPERLINKED WEBSITE, OR ANY WEBSITE OR MOBILE APPLICATION FEATURED IN ANY BANNER OR OTHER ADVERTISING, AND WE WILL NOT BE A PARTY TO OR IN ANY WAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MONITORING ANY TRANSACTION BETWEEN YOU AND ANY THIRD-PARTY PROVIDERS OF PRODUCTS OR SERVICES. AS WITH THE PURCHASE OF A PRODUCT OR SERVICE THROUGH ANY MEDIUM OR IN ANY ENVIRONMENT, YOU SHOULD USE YOUR BEST JUDGMENT AND EXERCISE CAUTION WHERE APPROPRIATE.
LIMITATIONS OF LIABILITY
IN NO EVENT WILL WE OR OUR DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, OR AGENTS BE LIABLE TO YOU OR ANY THIRD PARTY FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, EXEMPLARY, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES, INCLUDING LOST PROFIT, LOST REVENUE, LOSS OF DATA, OR OTHER DAMAGES ARISING FROM YOUR USE OF THE SITE, EVEN IF WE HAVE BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. [NOTWITHSTANDING ANYTHING TO THE CONTRARY CONTAINED HEREIN, OUR LIABILITY TO YOU FOR ANY CAUSE WHATSOEVER AND REGARDLESS OF THE FORM OF THE ACTION, WILL AT ALL TIMES BE LIMITED TO THE AMOUNT PAID, IF ANY, BY YOU TO US. CERTAIN STATE LAWS DO NOT ALLOW LIMITATIONS ON IMPLIED WARRANTIES OR THE EXCLUSION OR LIMITATION OF CERTAIN DAMAGES. IF THESE LAWS APPLY TO YOU, SOME OR ALL OF THE ABOVE DISCLAIMERS OR LIMITATIONS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU, AND YOU MAY HAVE ADDITIONAL RIGHTS.
Notwithstanding the foregoing, we reserve the right, at your expense, to assume the exclusive defense and control of any matter for which you are required to indemnify us, and you agree to cooperate, at your expense, with our defense of such claims. We will use reasonable efforts to notify you of any such claim, action, or proceeding which is subject to this indemnification upon becoming aware of it.
In other words: Anything we forgot…we’re not on the hook for that, either.